She Can Get It: V.I.C.I.

Remember that classic 80s sitcom Small Wonder? (No? Neither do most normal people, way to be in the middle of the bell curve you vanilla-flavored motherfucker!) Well I do. It was a show about a scientist who created a robot to look like a little girl (I'm sure PedoBear is looking up instructions online on how to do that right now!) whom he called V.I.C.I. Which stands for WHO GIVES A FUCK?!

Don't be confused. In the show she never smiled or had her hair down like some kind of 80s Shirley Temple. Her hair was always severely pulled back with bangs in the front. And even at the age of 8 I knew she could get it! Keep in mind, she was older then me at the time and still is (as far as I know) so all of my feelings for a fictional little girl robot are perfectly normal and legal (right?)

Before I even knew what soul-destroyers women can be, I knew that they had the perfect setup in that house. She "lived" in the closet of her "brother's" room. I'm telling you, that kid was fucking spoiled! First his dad makes a completely obedient robot the age of his son Jamie, then he puts the robot in Jamie's room where he has total access! Don't think he didn't experiment with her to see how "life-like" she was.

Jamie: Hey, ummm, Vicki? Come here for a minute?
V.I.C.I.: Yes Jamie (she had a very monotone voice, by the way)
Jamie: Great, why don't you get down on your knees and put your robotic mouth around my cock!

The best part? He gets to shut her down when he's done. No fuss, no muss!

The Sapphire card from Chase: perfect for your gold digging, self-centered bitch of a wife!

There's this commercial that's been out for a few months, it probably came out mid to late fall. In this commercial a lady walks into the living room of her house, where her husband is busy reading the paper to stay abreast of current events, or finding important stock tips or some shit like that, basically he's being a productive and useful member of society. She's wearing a nice looking (I guess, since I'm not a butt pirate, I'm not a good judge of female fashion) dress that she's got on in the middle of the day, for no good reason. Her husband, being a typical manly man is turned by seeing his wife in a dress (and considering what an insufferable cunt his wife will reveal herself to be, I bet it's the first time in years he's felt a stirring in his loins for that twat) and is inspired to take her on a nice vacation, filled with good times and romantic dinners and what-have-you.

But as he's busy coming up with these great ideas, hoping to share good times with his useless wife, she informs him that they won't be able to use their Chase Sapphire Card (and the wonderful reward points it seems to accumulate) because THE BITCH USED ALL OF THE REWARD POINTS TO BUY A FUCKING DRESS FOR HERSELF!!!!! And what does she have to say for herself after her incredibly selfish actions?

Ta da!

The commercial ends there, with the husband having some kind of "oh you!" look on his face. The scene had to end there, for the sake of reality. Otherwise the next shot would have been of the bitch on the floor with blood trickling from the corner of her mouth and her husband standing over her with a look of satisfaction on his face.

Yeah, something like that.

Percy Jackson and the Longest Fucking Movie Title in the Last Ten Years

What is this bullshit?

Am I the only sane person in the world who is tired of these dumb ass movies?  Okay Hollywood, we get it, you're totes in love with movies about kids who happen to be "the one" in some kind of mystical world and some adult (or group of adults) need to train them so they reach their full potential or some-such nonsense, before some super bad guy kills everybody or takes over the world, or both. You can quit shoving it down our throats! (no homo.) 

Everybody's DVD bookcases are filled with the Harry Potters, the Narnias, the Eragons, the Seekers, the Spiderwick Chronicles, the Matrixes, the Karate Kids, etc. I'm sick of that shit! I get that these movies are geared toward kids, but I don't understand why they're always about some adult super-villain who is feared by everybody, but who is completely incapable of kicking some random, nobody kid in the balls. It's so lame. Just once I would like to see Voldemort, or whatever the fuck his name is, just walk up to Harry Potter, and just bitch-slap in in the face within the first ten minutes of the movie.

That would be so satisfying. And don't even get me started on how these movies are always either series, or trying to set up series. Because that's what everybody wants: franchises about punk ass kids with super powers beating up adults for no good reason other than because they (the punk ass kids) were told that they're "the one". Damn you Hollywood! And damn you American public for going to watch this shit in droves!

Irona can get it!

I was laying in bed the other morning...early afternoon, whatever (don't judge me) and that old ass 80s cartoon Richie Rich came on. Remember that shit? That motherfucker was stoooooopid rich! The pillows on his bed were stuffed with his allowance! The 8 thousand refrigerators in his house were solid gold! Speaking of which, does that even make sense? Is gold known for its thermodynamic properties?

Anyway, during one of his many dumb ass adventures --where some jerk criminal tries to steal all the money from the Rich Estate and Richie just uses some random invention from his mad scientist friend/adult lover and solves the problem and everybody goes back to throwing rocks at the Hispanic help, or whatever those bougie fuckers do-- I noticed that Richie's robotic maid Irona wasn't half bad!

Remember her?

Sure she's got a bit of a manish, square jaw, but she's got some dynamite gams (yeah, I'm from the 1930s), some decent android tittes and she's a ginger, which is something you don't often see in your basic robot maids. Plus, you see that shit coming out of her bellybutton? Truly, a cum-guzzler.

I'd totally tap that automaton ass! She's about a trillion times hotter than that hideous Rosie the Robot:

No gams to speak of. Tut, tut.

Speaking of which, how the fuck did robot technology go backwards so that the Jetsons, who live about a trillion years in the future have such a piece of crap robot as compared to the 1980s version of a robotic maid?

On the other hand, at least Astro isn't a dick like that fucking mutt Dollar. Don't even get me started!